"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth."

happy st. patty's day.

i want this shirt.

betta check yoself!

grief.

i miss my dad. i miss him every day. i didn't know how hard this was going to be. this dreadful thing of grief.

it was real nice walking around on this earth, knowing i had a daddy. knowing i had a dad who i could introduce my future husband to, who would walk me down the aisle to meet that husband, and who would hold my future children close to his chest while they listened to that all too familiar fake valve in his heart go clickclick...clickclick...clickclick. he had a valve in his heart replaced when i was 17.

my dad died on Valentine's Day this year. that was 4 weeks ago last night. ever since then i've had moments where i didn't think i could take it. that i couldn't accept this reality i find myself unwillingly in every second. a few days ago i caught myself tagging my dad in a photo, and had to stop. a few days before that, i had to erase his number out of my phone. the week prior, i had to begin packing up his apartment. and two days ago i had to carry my dad's ashes in the seat next to me, all the way home.

i wear his watch around my wrist now. it's a 1991 Duke NCAA National Championship watch. it's too big, but i don't want to get it adjusted. i like remembering how much bigger his wrists were than mine every time i have to take it off to wash my hands. it slides down and even though it's broken, i don't want to get it wet.

i didn't want to write about my dad. i just want my mourning to be over. i want to turn a blind eye to it and move forward. i'm a control monster and you can't control grief. so here i am writing..to the few people who read my thoughts hoping that it meets something in the need of that reader.

my pastor back in Atlanta reminded me today that we don't have tomorrow and, my friends, that should change your now. the way you live. i know i'm changed. i'm going to be real honest about something important. i've never understood what Christians mean when they talk about "living in light of Eternity". i get the idea, but i've never resonated with it. 
until now. 
my father's death has made me realize that this whole thing we have goin on on earth is a swinging door.

it is not the end.

even though i'm in a season of lament and pain, there is a hope that surpasses my understanding and i couldn't live without it. it rips my heart up inside and angers the hell out of me to know that there's an exorbitant amount of people out there who have such a terrible and false view of Christianity. i want to be able to articulate what the loving and sacrificial life of that beat up 3o-something year old carpenter did for me and how it changes everything. but i never seem to know how to. or at least i worry too much about how it comes out of my mouth and how people will take it. but maybe, hopefully, over the years, my disorganized and unhinged deliberations will make sense or help someone.

it's hard to submit. to let go. it's probably my biggest weakness. but how can i make myself fully available to God if i don't? what opportunities to heal or learn or grow would i be missing out on if i constantly licked my own wounds and kept my heart shut up in a box where no one could touch it?

a lot.

ode to Mumford and Sons. this song has helped me breathe this week.

And after the storm,

I run and run as the rains come

And I look up, I look up,

on my knees and out of luck,

I look up.

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart,

I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand

And we stood tall,

And remembered our own land,

What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.

Well I guess I'll just go home,

Oh God knows where.

Because death is just so full and mine so small.

Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

my father passed away this week.

that's why i haven't written in a while.

it's still really hard to face everything right now, but i wanted to write a quick homage to my father to start facing it all...

Dad, when i dance, i dance for you. When i dine on BBQ ribs or cook up some Wienerschnitzel, i'll smile because i can't cook it aswell as you. And when i feel sad and know you're lookin down on me and want me to be happy, i'll throw on some James Brown or Sly & The Family Stone and i'll remember you. You'll be my daddy forever and i'll be your lizzy bo bizzy til the end. I love you. I miss you. Forever.

dancin me.

For those who read my blog and haven't seen me dance and care about seeing me dance, here's a clip of a class i took last week in LA. i'm in the black fitted cap with the ice cream cone on my shirt! animation class, fun fun!

or if this is too little-bitty for you, check it out on my youtube channel.

What's hard.

You know what's difficult? Well, one: being honest with yourself and others sometimes, and two: really and truly believing that God has you in His hand. no matter what.

It's really tough right now for me. The entertainment industry can be like high school with its pettiness and politics. It's terrible. I live in it every day. In my mind, I battle being who i'm called to be. Outwardly, people don't see it, but inwardly it's a constant strife to be the best me. I find my thoughts escaping to a world of jealousy, or impatience, or the misconception that i have to do certain things i really don't want to do in order to reach my career goals. Like i said, high school. And what a silly way to exist.

You would think that by 28, i'd have this whole bone of contention figured out. I'm a hip hop dancer who doesn't like going to the bougie clubs where all the dancers hang out, who doesn't toke up (so always feel like the nerd left out in high school), who doesn't have sex (oooo....dear God! aren't i a prude!), and who doesn't feel like i need to be someone i'm not. My prayer and hope for myself, for my friends, and for the future friends i've yet to meet, is that we'd be a believing people who value serving God over ourselves and Man. no bullshit about it. it's difficult. i know it is. i didn't know God until i was 20. i've led a completely different life full of immodesty and shame that i wish never to struggle with again. but my hope is in what God did for me, thankfully, not in what i can do for Him. and if you don't believe in the God of the Bible, then i hope whatever your belief is, that you value it and trust in things beyond a compromising society that's full of cracks. that you seek truth and a better and deeper understanding of what this thing called Life is all about. what a shame if you never cared.

"Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to tremendous difficulties."
— Charles H. Spurgeon

been a long time, shouldntna left you without a dope beat to step to.

ok. long time no write SR. sorry bout that. and sorry to anyone who actually reads what i write. i don't know if anyone does, but i figure since i have a few followers, there might be some who pop on here once and again to divulge in my thoughts.

so it's been a while. yes. and over the past few months, a lot has happened in the my life. i moved myself across country actually. hopped in a car in NC and drove all the way through, ATL, to New Orleans, to Austin TX, to Tuscan AZ, to San Diego, to LA...my home now. that's right, i live in Korea Town. you know, the town that's repped in the well circuited "Like a G6"medley. K-Town. And it's fun. i live with an old roomie from high school and we make it work just splendidly. we have an orange bathroom (or Mango Madness if you want to be specific) and the rest of the pad emulates the streets of Japan. a quirky fashion that has bright colors and random knickknacks all around. our apartment was built in the early 1900s and has a nautical feel about it....architecture-wise. even though it feels like we live in a rainbow (den lime green, kitchen red, hallway Tiffany blue, and the aforementioned mango bathroom) we call it the Boat House. and i like it.

i moved out here to dance, obviously for those who read this blog, and i must say so far so good. i'm awkwardly tall for a female hip hop dancer and ATL had worn me thin. i was ready for a change-o and my bottle had landed on the City of Angels. it's been 4 months now and LA has treated me well... so far. nuff bout that.

i'm learning. a lot. and i'm changing every day. i haven't written on here in a long time because every time i sit down to write i feel as if i'm in battle. i hear, "what you have to write isn't important" or "that's a stupid ass thing to write about, who would care about that" or "that's ridiculous, you know your thoughts on this or that will change into a different shape tomorrow...just wait a while, then you can write". and it gets me nowhere. and i click "Save Now" instead of "Publish Post".

but i DO have things to say. and i am constantly thinking about these things.

i went to a "community group" or whatthehellever, a bible study if you will, tonight. in Silver Lake. and it was good. it was nice to meet people who cared about loving people. i meet people all the time, at the club, at the bar, at a restaurant, at a gig, in the streets, at a class, wherever, and i care about them. immediately. it's weird at times. maybe it's weird because i'm not thriving in a community where people connect as quickly as that?....or maybe people ignore that pull they feel? i don't know. but i tell you, just like this blog that i neglect, i get scared and don't say what i want to say sometimes.

i've had a lot of sweet moments though recently. they've been so frequent that i feel as if God is purposefully making them happen in my life (at least i like to think that). a slap in the face to remind me of who i am and what matters on this earth. and i'm thankful. i'm really thankful because LA isn't for the faint-hearted. it's a metropolis full of vibrant life that is fast and furious.

even now, as i write, it's tough to put into words what i want to say.

i guess for now i'll just say that i'll try to write more in 2011. i might say things you don't agree with, that you have questions about, that you want me to extend on, etc...so please feel free to comment. in fact i encourage you to comment because who doesn't like knowing someone's listening?

i hope you've started your year off wonderfully and cheers to a new year full of taking the time to focus on what's important or at least figure that out if you don't know yet what that is for you.