wonderful quote of the day.

"There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious." - c.s. lewis

random thought before heading to bed.

my biggest mistake right now in life is that i find myself believing that God accepts me as i should be, instead of as i am.

what a terrible misconception.

something i didn't know.

so i was really hoping to get inspired at church this past Sunday and write you all an amazingly thoughtful and brilliant study, but alas, church made me wanna pull my eyes out. we had a guest speaker who was so spiritually over-the-top and carried such an obnoxious and distracting southern twang, that i don't remember what he preached about.

so i'd like to discuss the sermon of the Sunday before that really got me thinking.

what i want to address in this blog was only briefly mentioned in the sermon, but it was so interesting to me that i decided to go home and do some research on the subject. it's about the history of the English poet who wrote one of the most recognizable hymns to date, Amazing Grace.

what i find myself admiring the most in people, is honesty. there's a certain freedom one shares when being truthful about something that makes one feel shame. it takes a great deal of strength to be a person who lives in that freedom. John Newton was one of them.

John wasn't raised in the church, had no particular religious conviction for most of his life, and is noted in history as being one of the most profane poets who ever lived. he was a sailor in the Royal Navy who eventually became a leading advocate in the horrific profession of slave trade. in 1778, he once said, "How industrious is Satan served. I was formerly one of his active undertemptors and had my influence been equal to my wishes I would have carried all the human race with me. A common drunkard or profligate is a petty sinner to what I was."

The rugged and dangerous lifestyle of a sailor eventually led him to denounce faith altogether, "Like an unwary sailor who quits his port just before a rising storm, I renounced the hopes and comforts of the gospel at the very time when every other comfort was about to fail me."

over the next decade, John worked as a slave trader aboard the Greyhound. In 1748, while in the North Atlantic, John would experience one of the most violent storms he had ever seen. After hours and hours of bailing water off ship, John was plunged into a state of desperation at which point he yelled to his captain, "If this will not do, then Lord have mercy upon us!" ^{John then anchored himself to the boat so as not to be washed overboard like some of his other crew mates, and spent the next 11 hours steering the ship and pondering what he had said until the storm had passed.}

the issues that John Newton dealt with after this nightmarish event, were questions of whether he was worthy of God's mercy or any sort of redemption given the debaucherous life he had lived. and it is at this point, Amazing Grace along with many other hymns by John, were written.

some of the most poignant and relevant truths come from problems. they come from places that are dark, lonely, and of course at the end of the day for a believer, submissive and grateful.

we are not perfect. there will never be a moment on this earth when we are.

live in the freedom that Christ did something that matters...that continuously matters. i'm dreadful in life sometimes. i don't always live up to who i know Christ has said i am. but every Sunday i walk down that isle, snag the bread off the loaf, dip it in a goblet of wine, hold it in my hand as i walk back to my seat, and bow my head as i gaze at the wine dripping down my thumb. i know what that is. i know what Christ did for me. and that, my friends, is for us all, and will never cease flowing until the day He comes back again.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

- Mr. John Newton

love it.

i want one. and by that i mean, i want to be smart enough to know how to make one.

tonight, i think it's funny...

that lady gaga always carries around a tea cup.

why not. tea tastes good.

What happens when you're not patient.

Recently, I've gotten into quite a few conversations with other Christian women who are tired of waiting. I've listened to stories through tears, read emails pregnant with sexual struggles and tiring patience, as well as meditated on my own singleness and strife. I've wanted to write about this issue among women for quite some time now but didn't feel like I had the wisdom or words to help anyone. And then, this morning, I woke up to my roommate reading 1 Corinthians 3. In verse 18 it states, "Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you thinks he is wise in this age, he must become foolish, so that he may become wise."

So i'll pretty much never be wise, but can offer you my foolishness. I hope it helps.

To believe that you're alone and that no one is struggling like you at any given moment is not only a most uneducated belief but also a self-deprication. It is one of the biggest ruses we could ever fall captive to. I have to catch my thinking and crawl out of this web almost daily. This mentality, I believe, directly correlates with intimate relationships and women.

But Dieu merci, the remedy to this disposition, is not its extinction, but it's awareness.

What i'm not going to do is defer you to some sermon or tell you to say a prayer and God will make living in patience easy for you (though I don't doubt God could do such a thing through prayer). But what I feel comfortable in sharing is that being aware of a weakness in your life depletes its power quite a bit. Whenever I hear a story from another woman and I see them looking to me for an answer, I notice that maybe God operates like that in their life. As if He were a slot machine and you only needed the right amount of coins. Or if you knew just a little bit more about Christianity or how this whole system of beliefs works, BOOM, like clockwork you'd have patience every morning like the arrival of my best friend's BMs. And again, I sit and stare at 1 Corinthians 3: 18.

The answer is found not in more knowledge or the perfect prayer. It's found in its understanding and recognition. Next time you find yourself feeling alone and falsely believing things about yourself or more importantly about God, take a minute and bring yourself to a deeper reality. A reality that tells us we are never alone (Hebrews 13:5), that tells us we have a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11), a Reality that is found only in Christ (Colossians 2:17).